Loving Lainie

She is twelve.    

She is excited to be twelve.   

Twelve means she can ride in the front seat of the car.      

Twelve is almost thirteen.  

Twelve is a milestone.

Twelve is not the number I rest on......it is nine.

Nine and a half to be more exact. 

That's how long I've known her. 

That's when life changed for her and for us. 

She is closer to nine than to twelve and yet I try to balance the chronological age with the age of her understanding....

...it gets more challenging each year.

When I saw her for the first time she was a tiny 2 1/2 year old screaming, head-shaking, under-no-circumstances- do -I- want- anything -to -do -with -these- people scrap of a person with

hair cut too short,

 clothes too small,

 and feverish mosquito bites all over her. 

Non-verbal except for that squawking noise and a few baby babbling words in Russian. 

I wondered what in the world I had gotten myself into. 

 I was soon to find out......

I was an experienced mother of six children.....for sixteen years.......tough cookies, some of them.......but I had never encountered a person who had learned to be a survivor by the age of one......who deciphered her world in bits and pieces....."who knew what she wanted and how to get it" as our interpreter commented......

A child touched by neglect....illness....disabilities....poverty........

one who was picked up and taken from the only world she knew and  put down on the other side of the world into another "orphanage" where nobody did anything the way she was used to or spoke the language she had learned to interpret......

for "orphanage" was what we were to her for a long time, 

I am sure of that.

I remember telling her over and over that I was her Mama.....

but in the orphanage, 

every woman is called Mama.

I had to re-direct and claim my personal possession of her...

"you are MY girl......you stay with ME".....

over and over...."look at Me......look in My eyes".

I remember watching every odd behavior and trying to figure out if it was neglect, fetal alcohol, orphanage behavior,

 or just her personality.

I remember thinking that I was not ready for this assignment.

I was failing.

And then, I found it.  

The newsletter from a ministry that we'd supported. 

They had played a side role, but a large  one in our adoption.

 I had saved it because we had sent money for baby formula. 

There had been no milk for the babies and they had been feeding them sugar water. 

As I read the letter of thanks from the missionary, (a woman I now knew and had visited in her 'flat'- who was a big part of our adoption), she described the children who were helped.  

She listed the locations of the orphanages where the formula, "the best money could buy", had been sent.  Listed among them was one I recognized. 

I had been there.....in that "baby house"....

with the director, a physician, who mixed up her own medicines because they had none....

with the workers who had loved Leanichka......

who were washing all the clothes by hand because their only washing machine was broken.....

who had cried tears of gratitude over the instant oatmeal we left because they had nothing to feed the children for breakfast......

This had been one of the orphanages to receive the baby formula before we'd even known we were adopting. 

 What was the date of the letter?

  Wait.  

When did Lainie get there?  

No way. 

Couldn't be. 

Yes......it was true..........she had just gotten there when that baby formula was delivered.  

Before we thought about adopting and before the amazing series of events that ended with her in our home, we fed her. 

Because there was no milk for babies, we sent money......before she was even there, it was purchased and after she had just gotten there, it was delivered........

He had prepared the way........

the path we were now walking in...

even the path I stumbled in.........

through my questions and my tears, 

He had already been there....

Today she is twelve.

She is no longer a screaming, manipulating little scrap of a girl shaking her head at the speed of her no's.

She is a pretty girl who loves Jesus and loves reading her Bible even though it is a painstaking process to de-code every word of the third grade level translation. 

She works very hard to learn and to remember things. 

She practices words and keeps trying even when her tongue tangles up the speech sounds. 

She wants to be "big" and learn to do "grown-up" things like cooking and knitting.  

She enjoys doing her PT exercises to strengthen weak muscles that are causing her back to curve in scoliosis. 

She loves writing letters and calling her friends on the phone. 

She loves the teasing over the fact that she might have "turkey cake" or that everyone will be too full of Thanksgiving dinner to eat birthday cake. 

She laughs when we tell her that she used to think Thanksgiving was a holiday in honor of her birthday.

We are still walking down that path that He has set before us. 

I, fearful at times and unsure of the outcome, 

and she, trusting, holding my hand and running eagerly ahead. 

 I don't know the time she was born. 

I do not know what she has been through.....

but I know that He was there.....

and is there......

teaching me about what real love is all about. 

 That love is an action and not a feeling. 

That love is of Him. 

Agape.

Today she is twelve.

It is a milestone, indeed.

Grasping Gratitude: a desperate act

disappointment.

decisions.

disillusion.

depression.

death.

disabilities.

disorders.

disease.

these are things that we face every day.....they come unbidden.......      unwelcome.......      unwanted.......

How are we to deal with these things? What are we to do?

Analyze? Synthesize? Anesthetize? Sympathize?

I have pondered and prayed..... considered the truth that how we think and act are intertwined.......considered that gratitude leads to greatness of faith......and decided that it is necessary to obey God's command to give thanks even if one does not feel thankful at that particular moment......because the alternative is bitterness. 

I will write down my things to be grateful for......thankful for......no matter how small......small things are easily overlooked and they make up the bulk of my life anyway, so why miss life waiting for something large to be thankful for?

The large things are obvious.......salvation, husband, children, home, food, family......

....the small ones, not so much....

.....remembering the sound of that letter........pronouncing that word correctly.......ability to bend a finger that might have to remain crooked.......the loan of an exercise ball for therapy......children who love each other....grandparents who go out of their way to help...

stopping. noticing. writing it down.

I'd like to say it was my idea. I'd even like to say that when it was introduced to me, I jumped right on it and said, "what a great idea".  But no. I think that when you are dealing with the "hard things" so often, it becomes sorta like looking into a microscope. You see things that others can't see....but you have to see them and deal with them......you forget that if you step back from that microscope you can see the whole object in a different perspective.

That is how gratitude becomes a desperate act......it is necessary for survival....for life........for abundance.

It is not easy to "see" things to be thankful for.......but with practice, it becomes easier.......natural......nay, supernatural....because it forces you outside of yourself. 

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him and I am helped.  My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song.

 Psalm 28:7 NIV

Things I Want to Learn

Why is it, that when you decide you will put your thoughts out there for others to read, 

you can't figure out what those thoughts are? 

 I will just blame it on "mommy brain"......

or fatigue.........

or stress.......

or too much sugar.....

whatever.  

Honestly, after I started this blog, I began to look around here in cyberspace a bit and I have found some wonderful places. 

There are many out there who have so much wisdom and wit. 

Oh- and what about all the unique blogs out there. I have found a few gems,  

.....which made me a bit keyboard shy.

Mostly, my experience with my computer has been limited to one email address (well, there is another that I rarely check), one Etsy store, a few trips to Ebay Land, and a Message Board of faithful friends, 

some of whom I have never met in real life. 

There are searches for things I want to buy or learn about and a few dips into topics that interest me such as homeschooling, genealogy and photography. 

But, until now, I have never written a blog.

It's intimidating.

Okay.....so, in my distracted and nearly-middle-aged mind , I have decided that all of the fragments that swirl in my head all have one thing in common.

 They are new interests.  

They are things I want to learn.

 Recently, I was browsing around on Facebook (forgot to mention that one) to see what my grown kids are up to.....

umm, I do talk to them on the phone, 

but I can't see photos of their vacations on the phone....

anyway, one gal who is a very young twenty-something was making a Bucket List.  

I don't think she needs to worry about that now, but there are some things that we think about doing, and then, oh, a couple of decades or more fly by and we've never given them another thought........

I don't have a Bucket List, but lately, there have been a few things about which I have thought, 

"I'd like to learn how to do that."  

Some are expensive and some are not. Some require a little practice and some will require more years than I probably have to master.  

All of them are creative, artsy things.

 I don't have much time to create things with my hands. I read and read and read.....but usually to find information that I need and I rarely have time for my mind to just... think...and meditate on what is important in this life.

I think that we all have the ability and yes, even the need, to create things. To fashion something that wasn't there before. Something that brings beauty to our lives and others.Something that meets a need.  Something that makes us appreciate that someone had to slow down and put forth an effort. Something that took thought and maybe a bit of planning.

I like to make things. I like to feel the satisfaction of seeing something old and ugly become new and attractive (even if only to me). I want to know if anything rational and interesting can come out of the jumble of thoughts swirling in my head.

So, here are a few things that are on my list of Things I Want to Learn.

I'd like to learn how to upholster furniture.

I'd like to finish the research on my house and make a glossy photo book about it.

I'd like to do the same on various branches and people in the family.

I'd like to learn how to make books and journals out of various things and for various purposes.

I'd like to learn how to get my music onto paper so that I can share it.

I'd like to learn how to play the cello.

I'd like to learn how to lay tile.

I'd like to learn how to hook rugs.

I'd like to learn how to write a blog.

So far, I've found several books that can help me learn many of  these things. I have learned how to do many things from books.  Books are friends. Well, the good ones are.  And I have a new folder in my "fav's" that is titled Things I Want to Learn. I also have software to help me do some things like writing music, but I'm still doing the beginning baby steps.  I do not have a cello. But I know where I can find a teacher.

 And, I have figured out how to write something for you to read when I thought I had nothing to say.

Okay, now it's your turn.

What would you like to learn how to do?

  Let me know and maybe we will all be inspired by the new act of learning something new.

photo: north shore of prince edward island, Canada (c) debbie richardson

To All Veterans, We Say "Thank You"

  


On Sunday,

 I attended a special Veteran's Day service and listened to a stirring cantata given by the choir. 

During the service, each veteran and active service member stood and told his or her branch and duty.  I especially appreciated this part of the service because I knew most of the veterans present but did not know of their service to our country.

     

In the days following the horrible attack at Fort Hood Army Post in Texas, we are reminded once again that the sacrifices of the few provide blessings to the many. 

During the memorial service yesterday, this was demonstrated in a poignant way when each fallen soldier's name was given during the roll call.

In the silence after each name was called I thought of the families who would no longer hear those voices.  Each military family gives their best and brightest to a nation who, regretfully, is not always supportive or grateful.

We must remember that those who can spread the hope of freedom are those who have enjoyed its benefits. 

     If you do not feel gratitude for the liberty you enjoy, it is time to look around you and observe exactly what you have been given.  

Make a list of all the things you are free to do that were paid for by the blood of patriots before you.  

And then say "Thank You."  

It is important and I daresay, it is, at the very least, our duty.

 To all of the great men and women who have given themselves in service to this country, 

I thank you.

      
 To the soldiers in my family, 
I am proud to know you.

       
You are great Americans.

photos: American flag at Ft. Campbell, KY; brother's saying goodbye;   101st Airborne 1-502 return from service in Iraq 2006

 (c) debbie richardson

What Does Age Have to Do With It?

     The last few weeks have been very hectic in my household. 

I mentioned earlier that my children were participating in co-ops this year and that this was really something we had not been able to do much of over the years.  

All of this running around is beginning to tell on me. 

 I'm feeling it and I'm not liking it.

      Last night we had two committments back-to-back. They were both quite fun, but I was definitely feeling the fatigue of it all. 

Then a conversation about the fact that I was wearing my contacts instead of my glasses 

(no-line bifocals.....did I really just admit that?) 

was the cause of not being able to see what I was doing, 

led to one of the mom's mentioning that she did not want to get bifocals yet, 

which led to another mom saying something that caused me to say.....

"You're not even thirty yet are you?" 

"Not 'til next year"....and then the first mom mentioned that she would be forty soon..... Sigh.  

I'm the old mom. I'm forty-six. One of them said, "Oh, but you have so much wisdom!" 

     This morning the thought came to me that when I had my first child, 

this "not 30" mom was 4 years old and that

 when I began homeschooling, 

she would have been about eleven! 

Yikes! 

Why does my mind insist on conjuring up these facts for me?  

 Forty-six doesn't really sound too old, but I can remember when I was the youngest mom in nearly every social situation.

 I started my family in my early twenties and I kept it up.....so, now my "littles" are the same age as these mom's "olders". 

It's disconcerting to me, especially since I feel older than I suspect that I should.

     The fact is, eighteen years is a long time to do anything (especially homeschooling) and I am finding that sometimes it is just a matter of will to get this gal to keep going. 

At the same time, my "babies" are not babies at all, they are "tweens" and teens......geesh! 

Am I that old? It's weird because I'm doing things with other moms whose "oldest" kids are the same ages as my "babies".

     I understand that I have emotions that want to surface when I see these young moms with their "littles"......

What do I call my "littles" since they are no longer little?

I realize that I'm in a new "stage of life" (I really don't like that phrase at all) and that it won't be too long until I get to the "grandma stage" and all the wonders of grandchildren.  

But for now, I'm still one of the homeschool moms driving her kids to homeschool group activities and wanting nothing more than a long uninterrupted sleep.....for say...... a week for starters.  

For example, this last week alone we have left early in the morning and not returned until late at night several days in a row which has led to another time-tested reality that I'm really beginning to feel the full force of its existence.

      I have stated and will re-emphasize that I am a Homebody.....

I like to be home. 

It has been a long and established fact that when a person is not at home all day, little faeries enter the house and wreak havoc everywhere.  

They unmake beds, throw dust all around, pile up trash and throw clean clothes and dirty clothes in baskets together and dirty up the sinks.  

You would think that the old stories about elves finishing the shoemaker's work were true ones, but I'm sorry to say they are not. 

There are only wicked faeries who come in and mess everything up especially when you have to be gone for several days in a row. 

Of course, they also eat all the good things in the pantry and fridge knowing that you will be too exhausted to shop for groceries and will settle for toast or whatever odd thing you can concoct.

     I did find the energy to make a list of all the cleaning duties that need to be accomplished to get things back in order. 

But, I'm afraid that is as far as I've gotten. 

 I know all about the wonderful websites that will organize your life in 15 minutes a day, but I am not wired that way. 

I have to go all out and get it all done or it will nag at me. 

I'm not talking about entering the dark recesses of the closets in this house, 

oh no, 

I'd just like the clutter to be out of sight and I don't have the stamina to look at it much longer.

     It is another known fact that clutter is simply "visual  noise".  I don't tolerate noise well these days and everything in my line of vision is 

simply screaming.

 It must be stopped! I suspect that much of the fatigue I'm feeling is the actual drain of seeing so much to do and trying to muster the energy to attack it. 

Talking about what needs done is not always helpful, but writing about it in a public forum just might do the trick. 

 I seem to work better under pressure.  

If you'd like to come over for coffee,

 I am sure that I'd find the energy to clean it up in a heartbeat.......

but I'd still be exhausted and pay for it with aches and pains later.

     I know that I have to come to terms with this "stage" of life.....

I'm in my forties......

I haven't been the young mom in the group for a while.......

I know that I may have more wisdom now than when I was younger, but I can't always remember exactly what it is and I definitely don't want gray hair to prove it.  

I know that like every other stage of life, there are survival techniques that must be implemented.... and for now, I have to work out a better arrangement for staying on top of things if we are to be running hither and yon all the time. 

I know that you have to grow your own "good faeries" who will help you keep things in order and training them young is of vital importance. When my good faeries grow up and leave I will be in big trouble!

 Along with age comes health issues. We can't ignore them. We can't wish them away. We have to learn to work with them and try not to be bitter about what they take from us, like our feeling of youth. But such are common to Man. 

So we have to push on.

     Thankfully, the activities for this semester are winding down. I am glad. Because we all know what is lurking coming up around the corner.....Thanksgiving and Christmas! 

     I think  it is time for Home Ec.....where are those dusting rags??