God can't truly understand our pain.
Intellectually, we may know it to be true,
but sometimes we discover it
on a visceral level...
and it is liable to be in a place where we are not quite prepared to be undone.
It is a place, after all, where (hopefully)
the Word of God is taught and expounded.
And sometimes a person can waltz right into a Bible Study and get mowed down by
that two-edged sword.
Sometimes, it is conviction.....
the Holy Spirit seems to be able to use any Scripture to get His message to cut right to the quick of the matter....
Like this Sunday.
We are studying the fact that God is a Lover.
You remember that post I wrote not so long ago about dying to love someone?
Well, I should know by now that when I make a declaration and encourage perseverance,
I will get the chance to see if I can live it.
And I was tested on it in a big way.
where, there is this delicate dance in being authentic and open and honest....
and being discreet in how much I share.
I haven't got to the place where
I can willingly lay it all out there.
Recently, I was dealt a couple of devastating blows to my emotional center.
It physically laid me out for nearly a week.
I felt physical pain from emotional wounds.
Some of them were very old wounds that,
from time to time, fester and God will bring them up to cauterize them again.
It is painful.
The adopted mother.
The one who wants desperately to make up for whatever happened
"I am forced to restore what I did not steal." psalm 69:4niv
That verse jumped out at me two weeks ago. David wrote it.
It is a Messianic Psalm.
I felt it was for me.
Because, the trust that I have endeavored to build for 14 years was not broken by me.
Yet, as the mother of a child
with attachment issues,
I live with the consequences of it.
I have spent more than a decade
trying to restore it.
It was rejection on steroids.
that is all I am talking about.
She might not vocalize it,
but it is something she thinks about.
by people who were adopted,
enough times to believe them.
language disabilities combined with the developmental delay.
It's like an old LP record when the
needle gets stuck.
It keeps repeating the same small part
over and over.
She doesn't know how to say what she is feeling.
And she is stuck in a cycle
on her development.
And her development is stuck in her disability.
If you are parenting a special needs kid who has not bonded to another adult in her
earliest of years,
she will likely take it out on you.
God was talking about Israel.
I read this:
"When Israel was a child, I loved him, and out of Egypt I called my son.
But the more I called Israel, the further they went from me."
I couldn't stop them.
I have learned not to try.
Because, if you can't be real and vulnerable
in the midst of
your brothers and sisters in Christ, then,
well, there is no place
you can be real.
Although the context of the verse is
Israel's relationship to God,
my heart also read the name of my child and the country of her birth.
The panic of a future living with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
The pain of not knowing how to fix it?
(you know, being self-existant,
not needing anyone)
...He really couldn't relate to the emotional pain that an adoptive mom with a resistant child...
(a special needs resistant child)
A glimpse into the suffering that He suffered. The Bible calls it the Fellowship of His suffering.
"How can I give you up, Ephraim? How can I hand you over, Israel?...My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused."
without that love being returned is
It is tempting to give up trying.
And yet, there is really no choice, is there?
this is too much?
That I won't do it?
That it is too difficult?