I have wanted to disappear.
Into the mist.....
Out of my troubles.......
Focus on only the necessary.
Leave these virtual pages
as sort of a phase I went through...
something I could not complete.
It has been a very hard year.
A difficult decade.
I have known it is selfishness
mixed with weariness
which gives almost a sense of despair.
It is the unrelenting bombardment
of physical pain
mixed with emotional woundings
mixed with realizing
that I am past my youth.
.....the hopes and the dreams.....
Did it all work out like I thought it would?
The clouds settle in thick and low and blind me
to the beauty that is there....
the beauty which is my life.
Inwardly, I know I should be above it.
Count it all joy.
But since I don't,
and frankly, don't want to,
I feel like I am a failure.
A bad witness for the One who saved me.
So I try to disappear.
But that's okay, because God can see me.
He puts my name on the hearts of His children and they pray me through
they don't know they are hard.
He does not scold me for not trusting Him more.
He is patient. He is kind.
When all I can see is emptiness and failure,
He sees His Son indwelling me.
And, although I may feel like
I have nothing to give,
He has everything to give through me.
Even though I know that He doesn't need me,
I know, deep down, that I need Him.
So why am I writing this?
It is a very vulnerable thing
to write what you are not proud of.
I would like to say that the clouds have all blown away, but in reality, I'm still in the same place.
There are things that are just reality
and need to be accepted and assimilated.
Life will not get easier.
In fact, the reality that this world is not my home (Praise God!)
becomes more clear with each passing season.
I had decided that I would
not write anything
all year long.
I thought that when I checked the stats of visits to my blog, and found there were no visits, then I would feel justified and shut it down.
It would confirm that what I had to say did not interest anyone.
But today, I got on this computer
(which is rare these days)
and my curiosity won out.
These stats on Blogger can be tricky things.
They can inflate a person's ego, which may be exactly what has happened to me.
But I feel so very humbled when I discover
that people all over the world...
in nations hostile to the gospel, even...
have read what I have to say.
To say that I was surprised by the number of views since my last post, would be an understatement.
I know I have nothing to do with that.
And I pray that God will use my musings
to encourage and tell of His love for you.
So while I am here.
On this planet.
I am still on assignment.
I don't get to pick and choose.
I don't get to decide when I've had enough.
I don't even know all the reasons behind it.
Only, that it has been given by
God of Love
He waits for us to come to Him,
in our complete emptiness,
unable to do for ourselves
what only He can do for us.
First, make us alive through His Son, Jesus Christ, who took the punishment upon Himself
for our sin.
Face it, we all know we are sinners.
We just think we can do something about it.
And Christian, if you are
for a way out...
......there is only one way.......
I am praying for you.
You pray for me.
We are not perfect.
We are not as we wish, but one day...
.......we will see Him as He is...
and we will be like Him.
We will not struggle any longer.
Do not think you are the only one who struggles. I know that some who read this will be
surprised at my confession because,
Life is Wonderful.
It is a gift.
It has a purpose.
Do not despair.
The Son can break through the
dark clouds that now hover over you.
"He reveals mysteries from the
darkness and brings the deep
darkness into light."
Job 12:22 NASB