25 September 2012

when you want to disappear.........



I have wanted to disappear.


Into the mist.....

Out of my troubles.......

Turn inward. 

Focus on only the necessary.

Leave these virtual pages 
as sort of a phase I went through...
a whim...
something I could not complete.



It has been a very hard year. 
 A difficult decade.
                                                                



I have known it is selfishness 
mixed with weariness 
which gives almost a sense of despair. 

 It is the unrelenting bombardment 
of physical pain 
mixed with emotional woundings 
mixed with realizing
 that I am past my youth.

.....the hopes and the dreams.....

 Did it all work out like I thought it would? 

The clouds settle in thick and low and blind me
 to the beauty that is there....
the beauty which is my life. 

Inwardly, I know I should be above it. 
Count it all joy.
 Rejoice.

But since I don't,
 and frankly, don't want to, 
I feel like I am a failure.  
A bad witness for the One who saved me. 
So I try to disappear.





But that's okay, because God can see me. 
 He puts my name on the hearts of His children and they pray me through 
hard days 
and 
weeks 
and 
months 
even though
 they don't know they are hard. 

He does not scold me for not trusting Him more. 



He is patient.  He is kind.


When all I can see is emptiness and failure, 
He sees His Son indwelling me.
 And, although I may feel like
 I have nothing to give, 
He has everything to give through me. 

 Even though I know that He doesn't need me, 
I know, deep down, that I need Him.




So why am I writing this? 

It is a very vulnerable thing 
to write what you are not proud of. 

I would like to say that the clouds have all blown away, but in reality, I'm still in the same place. 

There are things that are just reality 
and need to be accepted and assimilated. 
Life will not get easier. 

 In fact, the reality that this world is not my home (Praise God!) 
becomes more clear with each passing season.  

I had decided that I would 
not write anything 
all year long.

I thought that when I checked the stats of visits to my blog, and found there were no visits, then I would feel justified and shut it down. 
It would confirm that what I had to say did not interest anyone.
 But today, I got on this computer 
(which is rare these days)
 and my curiosity won out. 

These stats on Blogger can be tricky things. 
They can inflate a person's ego, which may be exactly what has happened to me.

 But I feel so very humbled when I discover 
that people all over the world...
in nations hostile to the gospel, even...
have read what I have to say. 
To say that I was surprised by the number of views since my last post, would be an understatement. 
 I know I have nothing to do with that. 
 And I pray that God will use my musings
 to encourage and tell of His love for you.




 So while I am here.

On this planet.

I am still on assignment.

I don't get to pick and choose.
 I don't get to decide when I've had enough. 
I don't even know all the reasons behind it. 
Only, that it has been given by 
a
 God of Love
 and
 Long-Suffering.


He waits for us to come to Him,
 in our complete emptiness,
 unable to do for ourselves 
what only He can do for us.

First, make us alive through His Son, Jesus Christ, who took the punishment upon Himself
 for our sin. 

Face it, we all know we are sinners. 
We just think we can do something about it. 
We can't.  

And Christian, if you are 
struggling...
hurting...
wishing... 
for a way out...

......there is only one way.......

Through Him.

 I am praying for you. 

You pray for me. 

We are not perfect.

We are not as we wish, but one day...
.......we will see Him as He is...
and we will be like Him. 

We will not struggle any longer. 
 Do not think you are the only one who struggles.  I know that some who read this will be
 surprised at my confession because, 
truly,
 Life is Wonderful. 
It is a gift. 
It has a purpose.




Do not despair.

The Son can break through the
dark clouds that now hover over you.

"He reveals mysteries from the
darkness and brings the deep
darkness into light."
Job 12:22 NASB




2 comments:

  1. Debbie, While my heart aches for you (and yes, prays for you) in this season of valleys, I rejoice at your courage and insight. You indeed are NOT invisible to your Maker, or to those who know and love you. And while you wait in this time of valleys, take courage in knowing that He too has walked every step with you and will continue to use you in His perfect plan to encourage and bless others with the special gifts YOU ALONE can give. Never doubt it. It is truth.

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  2. praying for you. I so enjoy reading your thoughts. I am learning along with you to see beyond the struggle, to the other side. It is not easy.

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